Psychologist Ellen Dreezens says we are getting failure all wrong. We chase success because we think it equals happiness. But new research she shares says that's mostly a myth — and social media is making our fear of failure much worse.
Dreezens, a lecturer at Tilburg University, gave a packed lecture called "The Psychology of Failure" at a library in Tilburg. She later sat down with Univers magazine to explain why we're all so afraid to mess up.
Quick Take
- Psychologist Ellen Dreezens says failure simply means not reaching a goal — but most of our goals come from society, not ourselves.
- Social media makes comparison worse. We now compare ourselves to superstars like Beyoncé instead of our neighbors.
- Dreezens admits even she feels bad after "one minute on LinkedIn."
- Research says only 10% of happiness comes from things like money, a house, or a job. 50% is genetic. The other 40% comes from daily habits like gratitude and kindness.
- She warns students who delay happiness for "someday" are making a big mistake.
What Failure Really Means
Dreezens says failure is simple: it's not reaching a goal you set. But here's the catch — we rarely pick those goals ourselves.
Society picks them for us. Things like getting a driver's license by a certain age, or finishing college on time, come from outside pressure. When we don't hit those marks, we feel like we failed. But Dreezens says the goal itself may not even be ours to begin with.
Why Social Media Makes It Worse
Comparing yourself to others is normal. It helps you understand where you stand in life. That part is fine, Dreezens says.
The problem is who we compare ourselves to now. In the past, people compared themselves to neighbors in their own town. Today, social media shows us the most extreme examples on Earth — like Beyoncé.
"The world has been turned upside down: we compare ourselves with the exceptions," Dreezens says.
That means we judge our normal, average lives against people who are nowhere close to average. This makes us feel like we're failing, even when we're doing fine.
Dreezens isn't immune either. She openly admits that scrolling LinkedIn hurts her mood almost instantly.
"After one minute on LinkedIn, I already feel bad," she says.
She says it's easier to brush off a stranger's highlight reel than a friend's, because with friends, you know the full story behind the post.
Success Doesn't Equal Happiness
Here's the big myth Dreezens wants to bust: we think success — money, a house, a good job — makes us happy. Science says otherwise.
| What Shapes Happiness | Percentage |
|---|---|
| Life circumstances (money, house, job, health) | 10% |
| Genetics | 50% |
| Daily behavior (gratitude, kindness, relationships) | 40% |
That means chasing success for happiness is mostly pointless. The bigger payoff comes from small daily habits, not big life wins.
Doing Things For the Right Reason
Dreezens also talks about two types of motivation: intrinsic (doing something because you truly want to) and extrinsic (doing something for a reward, like a grade or paycheck).
Research shows intrinsic motivation leads to more happiness and better health. As a teacher, Dreezens says she'd rather see students study because they're curious, not because they're chasing a grade.
The Trap Many Students Fall Into
Dreezens says many of her students are stuck in a harmful mindset. They believe they must sacrifice happiness now to be happy later — after graduation, after landing a job, after earning money.
She pushes back hard on this idea.
"What about the present? Isn't studying allowed to be enjoyable too?" she says.
She says many students, especially women, feel like perfectionists — believing any mistake is entirely their fault. This pressure pushes them to work even harder, often at the cost of their well-being today.
Why It Matters
Dreezens' message is simple: stop waiting for success to feel happy. Small daily actions — kindness, gratitude, enjoying the moment — matter far more than a diploma or a paycheck. If chasing "someday" happiness is making your "today" miserable, something needs to change now.
Source: Univers magazine
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