Failure hits everyone. Michael Jordan got cut from his high school varsity team. Oprah Winfrey lost a TV anchor job. Even the Wright brothers tested over 200 wing designs before one worked. Mental health and relationship experts now share their top tricks for bouncing back when things go wrong.
Quick Take
- University of Chicago research says you need resilience (the ability to bounce back) before you can even learn from failure.
- 16 experts, from psychologists to life coaches, share their go-to method for handling failure.
- Common themes: don't let failure define you, shift your mindset, and keep trying.
- Small, simple habits — like laughing, journaling, or asking one key question — can speed up recovery.
- Experts agree failure is not the end. It's a step toward something better.
Why Failure Feels So Personal
Many of us treat failure like proof that something is wrong with us. Experts say this is the real problem, not the failure itself.
Dr. Cynthia Ackrill says happy high achievers see setbacks as temporary, not personal. They don't let one bad moment define their whole identity.
"Failure is just another data point on the path to figuring out what works for you." — Dr. Cynthia Ackrill
Angela Bixby agrees. She says neither your failures nor your successes define who you are. They're just moments. You are much bigger than any single event.
Feel It, Then Move Through It
Several experts say the first step is not to skip your feelings. Bottling up emotions after a setback can make things worse, not better.
Dr. Dorree Lynn suggests talking to a friend, therapist, or loved one about what happened. She also recommends doing something positive right after, like exercise or meditation, to shift your mood.
Psychologist Patricia O'Gorman takes it further. She tells people to let themselves feel sad, then angry, then grieve — and then laugh.
"Laugh, and by laughing, release your frustrations and self-doubt." — Patricia O'Gorman
This isn't about ignoring pain. It's about not getting stuck in it.
Change the Story You Tell Yourself
A big theme among these experts is reframing — that means telling yourself a different, kinder version of what happened.
Dr. Susan Pazak points to Thomas Edison, who famously said he didn't fail — he just found thousands of ways that didn't work. She says changing how you see failure stops the spiral of "I am a failure" thinking.
Lizabeth McGough-Olszewski takes a clever approach. She treats the word FAIL as a reminder: Freedom to Assess Intended Learning.
Here's how a few experts frame the mindset shift:
| Expert | Reframe |
|---|---|
| Lizabeth McGough-Olszewski | FAIL = Freedom to Assess Intended Learning |
| Dr. Susan Pazak | "I failed at this" instead of "I am a failure" |
| Erika Jordan | Failure is a stepping stone, not a destination |
| TJ Price | Only true failure is giving up for good |
Ask One Question Instead of Spiraling
Instead of overthinking every detail of what went wrong, some experts suggest asking one simple question.
Ruth Schimel says to ask: "What's the most important lesson I can learn from it, and how will I apply it in the future?" That one question turns a bad moment into useful information.
Amanda Savage Brown adds a twist. She says sometimes we talk ourselves into failing before we even try, just by fearing it too much. Her fix is to notice when fear is running the show, then push forward anyway.
"Rather than failing, you're fearing failure." — Amanda Savage Brown
Keep Going, Keep Creating
The last group of experts focuses on momentum. Susan Kulakowski says to look at what didn't work, then simply try again.
Suzanne Manser points out that trying at all means you're actively creating your life. Lisa Petsinis says mistakes are part of being human, and that no one stays down forever.
Dona Murphy sums up the group's shared belief simply: your failures don't define you, but how you respond to them does.
Why It Matters
Failure isn't rare or shameful — it's part of how growth works. These experts show that recovery isn't about avoiding setbacks, it's about having a plan for what to do right after one hits. The next time something doesn't go your way, picking even one of these habits could help you bounce back faster.
Source: YourTango
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